The Story Behind the Anxiety

Life works in mysterious ways and effects you in even more ways then you could ever imagine. Personally I never could of predicted how much my life was going to change. And to tell you the truth I would of never wanted it any other way. Even though my changes brought my anxiety into my life, it came with the greatest lessons I could of learned.

To paint you a picture, I grew up quickly, life has never given me a break, and I have always had to think of the effects a choice had on my decisions whither they were for financial descions, family decisions, or even small personal decisions. Everything had a consiquence. So, finally when I was 20 years old I thought I finally got my break. It was finally my time to have something truly amazing happen and I was on cloud nine. What happened you may ask... I met a man, one who I fell completely and udderly in love with. So much so that I moved across the world for him and we were married in our churches temple for all time and eternity. 

To me this was the change I had been waiting for my entire life... Oh how wrong I was. With a blink of an eye everything changed. He was colder, meaner, greedy, and a person I didn't recognize. But, I was married and I was determined to make it work, I refused to be another divorced statistic. 

I worked hard to support our new family and was constantly looking for and trying to bring out the man I fell in love with but he was gone, more then I realized. Time went by and almost 6 months into our marriage I went to work like any normal day and after only a few hours received a desturbing phone call informing me that my husband and all his things where gone. I was thrown into an instant panic. My heart stopped, my mind froze, and I could not move. Luckily, at the time I was nannying for three precious little girls and had to keep my focus on them and not give into my panic. It kept me level headed and I am eternally grateful for that. Hours later and after many phone calls his parents finally answered and told me that he was gone and was on his way across the country. It broke me. At that moment I was no longer the same person, I was changed forever. 

What followed was almost just as bad... The stares. I was in a sea of following eyes, judging eyes, that continued to push me deeper and harder in the mud that I was drowning in. The anxiety from my collapsing world was killing me. No matter who I talked to the topic came up, some were concealing and some were harsh and critical. I had to escape. 

Now what I did next was very stupid, I went back to school like planned. I ran away from everyone and everything so that I wouldn't have to face reality. So that I wouldn't have to look into anyone else's eye's and face my failures. To me it was already my failure and I didn't want more reminders. I couldn't see that I was the victim but instead I was the problem. And I beat myself up in such a bad way. For two years everything was my fault, big or small in my mind I was a mess up. And of course I did very poorly that semester at school. Actually, I didn''t leave my bed for a lot of it. The anxiety took over and the depression sunk in. The fun, happy person that I once was, was gone and a hollow vessel remained. 

I stopped caring, I stopped talking to the people I loved and cared about.  I lived in my own anxious world, were anxiety was my ruler. This went on for two solid years. I pushed everyone away, destroyed friendships, and destroyed myself. But this was something I had to go through because what I didn't see at the time was the great lessons I was learning and the wonderful person I would soon become because of it.

After my two years of solitude and complete misery I started to feel again. I started to find my motivation, my drive. I no longer wanted to allow this darkness to consume me. Slowly, I started to do more. I started to make goals and plans. Finally, I decided to move home, back to the place that I ran so far away from, the place where it all happened. And how happy I was when I got here. I began to go back to church, I reconnected with friends and family. I was social and full of life.

I came back a different person, I was so much better. My trial, my anxiety, my struggle made me new and improved. I now saw everything with new eyes, the sunsets were more beautiful, the rain was so soothing, the small smile exchanged between strangers captivating. It became my goal to help people who were suffering or needed that extra help because you may not realize it but it makes such a difference.

I still have a long way to go. I still have down days. I still have a million lessons to learn. My anxiety is still completely apart of my daily life. But I have hope and faith in the now and in the future and mine will be full of life. I will do everything I can to help make a difference in people's lives. Everyday will be used to do good. Don't let the challenges you've been given rob you from you're own life, there's so much good to be done. 

Give a Little Thanks!

Today is a day to take a moment and remember what you are thankful for. It's a universal day that we all gather together, eat some amazing food, watch some football, maybe even play some football, and remember the truly important things in life. This time of year, this season, is my absolute favorite for that reason. Everyone around the entire world starts to remember the important things. The real things that we have in our lives that we couldn't live without.

For me, family is one of the most important things in my life. I have never had an easy family life and because of that I have been blessed with seeing it's value and vitalness in growing up.

These brothers of mine have kept me going since they were born. They have gotten me out of the nastiest of anxiety attacks because of the pure, natural, beautiful love they have. And my mother has given each us of the qualities and characteristics we possess today. Their strength is my rock. 

Family is also not just the blood ties we have but also the people that are there for you through the worst and best of times and never flinch. Friendships are rare. The truest of friendships are often found only a few times in ones life. 

               

These girls have been there for me since we were in training bras and now between us, there's marriages, babies, careers, and pretty much everything else inbetween but that has never weakened our bond. We've just worked with it. I love it. 

           

I'm thankful for this girl right here and the amazing "Idaho" times we have had. And for the many more to come. Her strength has been such a blessings and example to me these past few years. 

And then there are these two crazy kids! Life works in the most amazing ways and it always brings the important people back into your life. Heavenly Father knows exactly what you need and when. These two have lifted me out of my dark place and helped me find myself again. It's the greatest feeling. True friends come into life at any time and never leaves.

Everyday is worth your thanks. We are made up of the good and the bad in our lives. They are what shape us. I am thankful for it all. Thank you to each and every one of you. You are amazing and beautiful. Live each day with a thankful and open heart. 

Now go enjoy some turkey! 

Trigger Happy

The world surrounds us with influences. It is nearly impossible to escape the whirl wind of ups, downs, goods, bad, do's, and don'ts. Every influence has a different effect on each and every one of us. Somethings that have a positive influence on one person may have a negative influence to another.  It all depends on who you are.

When dealing with anxiety there are positive influences, negative influences, and influences that become triggers. Triggers are those nasty little things that can take you from the top of the world to a sudden downward spiral that takes days to get out of. Triggers come in all shapes and sizes, some are people, some are situations, some are even objects but no matter what they are they all have the same crippling effect. 

Whenever I hit a trigger effect I can no longer breather, I have the most constricting feeling in my chest and I can no longer focus on anything but the trigger. I no longer know what to do. The world has come to a complete stop and it feels like that world is going to shatter. These are the most inconvenient when I am at work or out with friends because of course you don't want anyone to be aware of the small atomic bomb going off inside of you. So what do you do? How do you find your way out of the fire? 

Do you drop everything and go home, do you take medicine that calms the trigger for you? I don't know the answer for you, only you can figure that out. But for me I start with a breath. One simple breath. I close my eyes and remind myself to breathe. When a trigger hits it's as if all the air has escape from your lungs and you are grasping for even smallest amount to grant you relief. After I take my breath I talk to my mind (you know that thing in your head thats racing a mile a minute) and I remind myself that these currant horrible feelings are just that, feelings, and they are going to pass. 

We can have so many triggers, in so many shapes and sizes and the best thing to eventually do with them is throw them away. Remove them from your life. You only live once, you only have one life that was given to you and you can't let anything get in your way. You have to fight. (You will find that I will talk a lot about fighting through the hard times. But there is never a moment that you should stop fighting. You are always worth the effort and hardships. Never stop fighting for your happiness and your victory). 

Start taking note of the things that trigger you and start taking action. Get rid of them. Ask yourself if they are really worth your happiness. You have the power! And you have the worth. It is never too late to make a change for the better. Start now.

Anxious and Full of Life!

Everyone has challenges. We all face the world with the hope of making it through the day. The ups and downs of each day can be exhausting and enthralling, they can be blessings and curses all at one time. As for me, I face the world and the challenges it places in front of me like all of you but I face it with anxiety. We all have something that makes it harder but that's all the more reason for us to want to fight with all we've got. The sweet rewards that our successes bring us are made all the better when made harder. 

Now, anxiety can be crippling, it is conning and deceitful. It has the power to keep you in bed all day and make you believe that there is no better place for you to be. It is a nasty little voice that is always whispering and trying to fool you into believing the worst of yourself and the things going on in your life. I can't tell you how many times this little anxious voice has convinced me that I am so small and so purposeless. For many years I let it win. It took all my fight from me and I let it. I became a puppet to it and to anything else in my life at the time. It was sad to see really and it was no life to live. 

That is until the day I chose to take back my life. The hardest part about pushing back anxiety is realizing that you are in control, not it. Some days are harder then others but even on the hardest of days you are in control. Never believe that you are enslaved to anxiety. Take back your life. Making that chose and deciding that I wanted to live a happy, full life was the best decision I could of made. 

Here's the trick.... you have to understand that you have to live with the anxiety, almost like a partnership but one that you have control over and not the other way around. You are the boss. It is not a comfortable thing to do but you slowly learn to embrace the feelings of a constricted chest, sweaty palms, and the shakes because it means you are doing something daring. It means that you are doing something you are not comfortable with, something new and exciting. You are making the choice to live an exciting full life with your anxiety. 

Don't let it win. I am not a doctor but I am anxious and now the difficulties it brings first hand. I am going to be sharing the things I do each week that make me anxious and that are challenging for me. Maybe it'll inspire you to do the same. If there is ever any question or topic you wish for me to share about please feel free to ask. I am open to everyone. Anxiety stinks but it is not the author of my story and it most certainly should not be the author of yours!